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jackitsgod

A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day when he accidentally
got too close to the edge and fell.
On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall.
He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down
for more than a thousand feet.
He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him
to climb up the steep wall of the cliff.

So Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him
and lower a rope or something. "HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? HELP!

He yelled for hours, but no one heard him.
He was about to give up when he heard a voice.
"Jack, Jack. Can you hear me?"

"Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!"

"I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?"

"Yes, but . . . Who are you, and where are you?"

"I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere."

"The Lord? You mean, GOD?"

"That's Me."

"God, please help me! I promise if You'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning.
I'll be a really good person.
I'll serve You for the rest of my life
."

"Easy on the promises, Jack.
Let's just get you down from there; then we can talk.
Now, here's what I want you to do.
Listen carefully."

"I'll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do."

"Okay. Let go of the branch."

"What?"

"I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go."

There was a long silence.
Finally Jack yelled, "HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?"

Have you ever felt like Jack?
We say that we want to know the will of God, but when we find out what it is,
we can't handle it.
It sounds too scary, too difficult.
We decide to look elsewhere.
When He says, "Let go of the things that stand between you and Me,
and trust Me with your life," it sounds pretty scary.
But when we let go, we find freedom and safety in His hands."

Getting Along Without It!
A nurse was showing a patient to his room.
"Now," she said, "we want you to be happy and enjoy yourself while here,
so if there is anything you want that we haven't got, let me know
and I'll show you how to get along without it."

knowbibleban223b

Most church members who attend church every Sunday have a very superficial knowledge
of the Word of God.

Years ago I read of a lawyer who became aggravated with one of his fellow lawyers who kept winning his cases
by quoting the Bible.
He would preface his remarks by saying, "As the Bible says," or "As the word of God declares",
and then, he would come out with a statement that would exactly prove his point.

The young lawyer was jealous because this attorney kept winning all his cases,
and so he decided to challenge him.

One day, as they were standing in the courtroom, this young lawyer challenge the attorney,
"You are always quoting the Bible to prove your point.
You pretend to know the Bible so well, but I don't believe you do.
In fact I bet you five dollars that you can't quote The Lord's Prayer."

The attorney was put on the spot, and without cracking a smile, bowed his head and looking
very sanctimonious began to pray,
"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take
."

Then, the most remarkable thing happen.
They young lawyer said, "Well, you sure fooled me -- you really know the Bible."
 

Our churches are full of unlearned, anemic, undernourished, and even sickly and diseased Christians.

holmeswatson

One time the great British detectivem, Sherlock Holmes and his very knowledgeable partner, Dr. Watson
went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and some quiet time, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes asked, “What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
 Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
 Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
 Theologically, I can see that God is omnipotent, and that we are small and insignificant.
 Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow
.”

Then, Watson asked: "What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you meathead. Someone has stolen our tent."

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sleepys
thesewakepar70

A classified in the newspaper read:
LOST:
ONE DOG. BROWN HAIR WITH SEVERAL BALD SPOTS;
RIGHT LEG BROKEN FROM BEING RUN OVER BY CAR;
REAR LEFT HIP INJURED FROM DOG FIGHT;
RIGHT EYE MISSING, LEFT EAR CHEWED OFF.
ANSWERS TO THE NAME LUCKY.

"Mary," asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught your husband
with another woman
?"

"Another woman with MY husband?" Mary thought it over.

"Let's see. I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back
to the institution she escaped from
."

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords
by writing them on Post-it notes. 

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,"
and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

You know your kids are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from
and refuse to tell you where they're going.
-- P.J. O'Rourke in First for Women

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A boy named Bobby is sharing an apartment with a girl named Julie.

Bobby's mother came to the apartment to visit, and while they were talking,
she kept looking at Julie in a suspicious way.

Bobby took his mother out of the room, and said,
"Mom, I know why you're looking at Julie that way, and just to let you know,
we are just roommates. Nothing more!
"

When Bobby's mother left, Julie came in the room and asked,
"Bobby, have you seen the silver gravy ladle?"

"No," Bobby replied.

"Well, ever since your mother was here, it's been missing," Julie remarked.

"Okay, I'll ask her about it in my next letter," Bobby said.

So in his next letter to his mother, he writes,
"Mom, I'm not saying you did take the silver gravy ladle,
and I'm not saying you didn't take the silver gravy ladle,
but ever since you were here, it's been gone.
Love, Son
."

A few days later, Bobby received a letter from his mother which said,
"Son, I'm not saying you are sleeping with Julie,
and I'm not saying you are not sleeping with Julie,
but if she was sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the silver gravy ladle long ago.

Love, Mom
."

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IF...You Can Be As Good As Your Dog:

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out
on you when, though no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him/her,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice
against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics,

THEN, you have ALMOST reached the same level of development as your dog.

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