Employee Recommendations:
Here are a few suggestions on writing a letter of recommendation for that fired employee:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

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Never Give Me Work:
1. Never give me work in the morning.
Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.
The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every ten minutes
to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me.
I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority.
Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late.
I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.
Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone.
I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with.
When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems.
No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

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-- If there were more self-starters, the boss would not have to be a crank.

When Can You Start:
A boss tells his new employee,
"I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting todayand in three months,
I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

The employee replies, "In 3 months."

-- Plan ahead! It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Asleep On The Job:
A security man has a dream that the plane his boss is supposed to take the next day is going to crash. When he wakes up he calls his boss at home and tells him.
Insanely enough, the boss listens to him and decides not to take the plane.
The next day, according to the young man's words, the plane crashes.

The relieved boss calls the young man to his office and gives him a reward -- and then fires him.
Curious as to why he is fired, the man asks his boss.

The boss replies, "You were sleeping on the job."

Only One Buying:
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker.
“I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share”.
“Buy me 1000 shares,” said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2.
The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.”

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.
The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares “ said the client.
“Great,” said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone
and told the broker sell all my shares.

The broker said, “To who?
You were the only one buying that stock.”

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Performance Reviews:
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee
performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
.....and has started to dig."

(2) "His men would follow him anywhere, .......
but only out of morbid curiosity."

(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been',
but more of a definite 'won't be'."

(5) "Works well when under constant supervision
and cornered like a rat in a trap."

(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

(9) "He sets low personal standards
and then consistently fails to achieve them."

(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

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Management Styles:
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away.
"We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared
around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you
with their hands in their pockets.
When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you
with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its® while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all.
They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future.
The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them.
They will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information.
You must be very thankful to get any information at all.

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking.
Else they have more work to do.

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor.
The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers,
and so on.

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink with them, lunch with them, smile to them
and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore.

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and seminars,
they still belong to category 5.
The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them?
Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles?
These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style.
Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want.
Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular.
It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee
can tell them in 15 minutes.

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary.
These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having
a better infrastructure.

16) BUA MANAGEMENT (BY USING ABBREVIATIONS)
This management style is ATRASACWOC.
(Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication)

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.

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Actual Business Signs:
At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

On a Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet
- miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary.
We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

Just Like You:
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage.
I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith.
"You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."

The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you.
The problem is, I have two hundred!"

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Smart Business:
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and posted a huge sign which read: BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right,
and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading: LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper panicked,until he got an idea.He put the biggest sign of all
over his own shop It read: MAIN ENTRANCE

Not A Quitter:
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company
and hands the executive his application.

The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant
has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible.
You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."

Need Imagination:
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into
the personnel director's office.
"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job,
you told us you had five years experience.
Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said
you wanted somebody with imagination."

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Using Copy Machine:
The new office boy stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary walking by asked.

"Yes," he replied, "how do you work this thing?"

"Simple," she said quickly taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it
to the shredder.

"Thanks," he said as he watched the report disappear,
"But where do the copies come out?"

Good And Bad:
The real estate salesman said, "This house has both its good points and its bad points.

To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about the disadvantages -- there is
a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north."

"What are the advantages?" Inquired the prospective buyer.

"The good thing about it," said the agent, "is that you can always tell
which way the wind is blowing."

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Business Is Business:
A Catholic priest offered a dollar to the boy who could tell him who was
the greatest man in history.

"Christopher Columbus," answered the Italian boy.

"George Washington," answered the American boy.

"Saint Patrick," shouted the Jewish boy.

"The dollar is yours," said the priest. "But why did you say Saint Patrick?"

"Well, I really knew it was Moses," said the Jewish boy, "but business is business."

It’s In The Translation:
A Londoner wound up a business trip to the Orient with a visit to Taipei.
At a Chamber of Commerce luncheon he was asked to say a few words.
Almost none of his audience could understand English, and he could not speak a word of Chinese.

His address was, therefore, to be translated by an interpreter sentence by sentence.

"Well," he began, "I just want all you fellows to know that I'm tickled to death to be here."

A look of agony appeared on the interpreter's face.
"This poor man, " he said in halting Chinese, "scratches himself until he dies, only to be with you."

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