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Go To:
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Wife Will Want To:
A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?"
"No." said he, "they live two farms down."
"No, I mean are you lost?"
"No, I've been here thirty years."
"I mean are you ready for Judgment Day?"
"When is it?"
"It could be today or tomorrow."
"Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know.
My wife will probably want to go both days!"
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They Will Come And Get It:
A farmer attended his first church convention with his pastor.
After the convention closed, his pastor asked him how he enjoyed it.
The farmer responded:
"Oh, it was alright and I liked it, but there was one thing I didn't understand.
It was all that discussion on how to get people to come to church.
When I go to a farmer's convention, I never hear them discussing
how to get the animals to come up to the trough.
They seem to know that if they put good food in there,
the creatures will come up and get it."
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Knew He Was Coming:
A bishop visited a church in his diocese.
Only three people turned up to hear him peach.
He asked the Vicar "Did you give notice of my visit?".
"No" replied the vicar," but word seems to have got around anyway".
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Minutes To Kill:
At an associational meeting the moderator stated that they were running ahead of time.
He said, "We've got ten minutes to kill -- let's call on brother Jones to pray!"
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Haven’t Missed Much:
In Middle Tennessee an old lady said to her pastor,
"I'm deaf and can't hear word you say, but I come to get my plate full."
Hoping to console her, the pastor said,"Well, maybe you haven't missed much."
"Yes," said the woman. "That's what they all tell me."
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Professor Has No Brain:
A college student was in a Philosophy class, where a class discussion
about whether or not God exists was in progress.
The professor had the following logic: "Has anyone in this class heard God?"
Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?"
Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?"
When nobody spoke for the 3rd time, he simply stated, "Then there is no GOD."
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak.
The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked
the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?"
Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?"
Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded,
"Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
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First Fight:
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think.
Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
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What’s A Lie?
The preacher asked a little boy, "What is a lie?"
The little boy answered, "It is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help
in the time of need."
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Missing Something:
The preacher preached a series of sermons on the "890 Sins of Man."
People kept calling him to get the complete list, especially those who thought
they were missing something!
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Deacon’s Call:
The pastor's phone rang the day before Christmas.
He recognized the voice of one of his deacons.
The deacon said, "Hello, send me over a quart of Scotch and a fifth of gin tonight."
The pastor said, "This is the pastor."
The deacons shouted: "Pastor, what are you doing in a liquor store?"
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Ten Little Christians:
Ten little Christians standing in line.
One disliked the preacher, then there were 9.
Nine little Christians stayed a very late.
One overslept Sunday, then there were 8.
Eight little Christians all their way to Heaven.
One took the low road and then there were 7.
Seven little Christians chirping like chicks.
One disliked music, and then there were 6.
Six little Christians seemed very much alive,
but one lost his interest and then there were 5.
Five little Christians pulling for Heaven's Shore,
but one stop to rest, then there were 4.
Four little Christians each busy as a bee.
One got his feelings hurt, then there were 3.
Three little Christians knew not what to do.
One joined the sporty crowd, then there were 2.
Two little Christians, our rhyme is nearly done,
differed with each other, then there was 1
One little Christian can't do much ‘tis true,
brought his friend to Bible study, then there were 2.
Two earnest Christians, each won one more.
That doubled the number, then there were 4.
Four sincere Christians worked early and late.
Each won another, then there were 8.
Eight splendid Christians if they doubled as before.
In just so many Sundays, we'd have 1024.
In this little jingle, there is a lesson true, you belong either
to the building or the wrecking crew!
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Hanging Pastors:
The chairman of the pastor search committee informed the congregation:
"Next Sunday our visiting preacher will be the Rev. Bill Oaks.
If you would like to see the other preachers, you will find them hanging in the vestibule."
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How To Get Rid of a Minister!:
Look them straight in the eye when he is preaching and say,
"Amen," once in a while and he'll preach himself to death in a few weeks.
Pat him on the back and brag on his good points and he'll work himself to death.
Start paying him a living wage -- he's probably been on starvation wages so long
that he'll eat himself to death.
Rededicate your life to Christ and ask the preacher to give you a job to do -- he'll probably
die of heart failure.
Get the church to unite in prayer for the preacher and he'll become so it effective
that some larger church will take him off your hands.
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Pastor Sick:
A Baptist preacher was called to see a Methodist man who was deathly sick.
He asked the wife of the man:"Why did you call me since you are all Methodist?"
She answered, "My husband has a deadly disease and we love our pastor."
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Mother’s Prayer:
A mother was convinced that her wayward son would never become a Christian.
She pleaded with him to come to the faith.
She sent him little cards with Bible verses on, tapes with sermons,
spiritual books, but all to no avail.
One day she fell to her knees and prayed fervently to God
that He would totally remove the obstacle to her son's conversion.
There was a blinding flash . . . {POOOOF!} . . . and she vanished.
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Prayer of Black Preacher:
The prayer of an old black preacher hits the spot:
"O Lord give thy servant this morning the eyes of the eagle
and the wisdom of the owl.
Connect his soul with the gospel telephone in the central skies.
'Luminate his brow with the sun of heaven.
'Pizen his mind with love for the people.
Turpentine his imagination.
Grease his lips with possum oil.
Loosen his tongue with the sledgehammer of thy power.
Put 'pectual motion in his arms.
Fill him plumb full of the dynamite of thy glory.
'Noint him all over with the verssine oil of thy salvation.
And set him on fire for Jesus' sake, Amen!"
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It’s In Your Pockets:
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
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Three Churches In Revival:
Three churches -- Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian -- worked together
to sponsor a community-wide revival.
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results
with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us!
We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that!
We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
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Narrow Baptists:
Someone asked a Baptist preacher if he was one of those narrow Baptist
who think only Baptists are going to heaven.He answered, "I am more narrow than that.
I don't believe half of the Baptist are going."
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God, If You’re In There:
A pastor tells of an experience with his five year-old daughter who was afraid of the dark.
One night after they had put her to bed; within minutes, she appeared at the door of the den.
She explained that she was afraid of the dark.
Her father explained to her that God is everywhere, and that He was also in her room
and would take care of her.
This seemed to satisfy her and she went down the hallway to her room.
Her father followed her to see if his explanation was going to work.
He saw her stop in the doorway and as she looked in the darkness of her room,
he heard her whisper, " God, if You're in there, don't say anything, cause You'll scare me to death."
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No Excuse Sunday:
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday,
we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday."
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say,
"Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
Murine will be available for those with tired eyes... from watching television too late
on Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say,
"The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be provided for those who think the church is too cold,
and fans for those who think the church is too hot.
We will have hearing aids for those who say, "The Pastor speaks too softly,"
and cotton for those who say he preaches too loudly.
Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.
There will be 100 T.V. dinners for those who cannot go to church and cook dinner also.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Finally, the sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias
and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.
Just suppose the Lord would begin tomorrow to make people as sick as they claim to be on Sunday.
Some things sound humorous, but they are serious!
What is your excuse for not attending the House of the Lord?
See you next Sunday!
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