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Go To:
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Dangerous Assumption:
On a summer vacation a boy from New York City was hiking at night
in the Rocky Mountain National Park.
He asked the guide, "Is it true that a grizzly bear won't attack you if you're carrying a flashlight?"
"That depends," the guide answered, " On how fast you're carrying it."
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Word Rules:
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.''
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
Attributed to Frank L. Visco, Vice-president and Senior Copywriter at USAdvertising.
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Too Polite:
It's for certain that you can carry this politeness thing too far.
Just take a look at this obstetrical case.
This is the story of a pregnant woman who complained to her doctor that she was afraid
her unborn child might grow up to be rough and coarse like her husband,
and what could she do to prevent that.
The doctor advised that every morning when she got up, she should tap her finger on her belly
and repeat the words, "BE POLITE, BE POLITE, BE POLITE," and the same thing before
going to bed at night.
This, he assured her would have the correct impression on the unborn child to be polite.
She carried out the doctor's orders to a "T."
After the eighth month she was anticipating the birth of the child.
It was nine months, and still the child wasn't born.
Ten and eleven months passed, andfinally a year, and still she hadn't given birth.
In alarm, she returned to the doctor.
He examined her and then put her under the fluoroscope to see what was wrong inside,
and there he beheld the strangest sight ever known to medical science.
There he saw two babies, twins, each one pointing to the opening and saying to the other,
"After you," and the other would reply, "No, after you . . ."
-- James E. Myers, A Treasury of Medical Humor (Springfield, IL: Lincoln-Herndon Press, Inc.)
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Only When It Breaks:
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff
several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket
which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which
he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket
how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
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Dance Also:
A man went to a pet shop and asked for a bird that could sling.
The proprietor brought out a gorgeous tropical bird, looked the bird in the eye,
puckered his lips and started to whistle.
The bird took up the very note and finished the tune with him.
"That's mighty fine," the customer said, "but I'd never pay money for that bird.
His right leg's crippled."
"I thought you wanted me to sing!" Cried the bird. "I gotta dance, too?"
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Real Self-cointrol:
"I'm rather proud of my self-control, "remarked Paul.
"I've stopped smoking and stuck to it now for two weeks."
"That's simply a matter of commitment," responded his father.
"Real self-control is stopping the habit and refraining from telling anyone."
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Never Been Wrong:
"Grandpa, have you ever been wrong?" Asked little Mary.
"Oh, one time I thought I was, but I was obviously mistaken."
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No Driver’s License:
After being pulled over for speeding, the speeder confronted the officer and said:
"Why don't you people get organized?
First,you take away my driver's license and the next day you ask to see it."
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Get With It:
Coming upon a white leather football the farmers son had brought into the yard,
the rooster called his hens around him.
"Now, ladies, I don't want to appear ungrateful,
but I do want you to see what's being done in other yards."
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Ring The Bell:
A man was driving past a country estate and saw a sign on a gatepost:
"Please ring bell for caretaker."
So the man rang the bell, and an ancient fellow appeared.
"Are you the caretaker?" Asked the man.
"Yes, I am -- may I help you?" Responded the old man.
"Oh, no," replied the man. "I was just wondering why you can't ring the bell yourself."
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Miss You:
One night at a basketball banquet the president of a junior college was congratulating
the coach and team profusely.
The beaming coach asked the president, "Would you still like me as much if we didn't win?"
"I'd like you as much," the President replied. "I'd just miss having you around."
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Without His Wallet:
A young lady was explaining to a friend the reason for breaking her engagement
to her wealthy fiance.
"I saw him in a swimsuit the other day and he looked so different without his wallet."
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Only If Kindess Fails:
In that trying time preceding the program, the visiting lecturer was being entertained
by a local leader of the fluttery type.
Hard pressed for conversational topics, finally she asked, "And do you believe in clubs for women."
"Oh yes," the lecturer said. "Yes, indeed."
Then pausing for a moment, he added, "But of course, only when kindness fails."
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Not Hollering:
A man was drowning and yelled, "Help, I can't swim. I can't swim."
"I can't either, "said the old man sitting on the bank. "But I'm not hollering about it."
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Repeat That:
The proud father of triplets called the local newspaper to report the event.
The man at the other end, not quite hearing what he said, asked, "Will you repeat that?"
The proud father snapped back, "Not if I can help it!"
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Getting Kicked:
Bishop Fulton J. Sheen: "When you're getting kicked from the rear-- it means you're in front."
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Didn’t Know Her That Well:
As a courier for an express delivery service, a man tried to deliver a package
that required refrigeration, but found no one home.
He went to the house next door and told the woman who answered
that he had a package or neighbor.
"Oh, she works Monday through Friday and every other Saturday,"said the woman,
"and some Sundays.
She leaves about 7:40 in the morning and gets home around 5:30,
unless she goes to the store, in which case it's closer to 7.
And she's going to the store tonight because her kids are coming to visit -- one all the way
from California!"
When she paused to take a breath, the courier asked if she would accept her neighbor's package.
"Oh, no, I can't do that," she said. "I don't know her that well."
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Prefer Darkness:
An old story tells of a desert nomad who awakened in the middle of the night.
He lit a candle and began eating dates from a bowl beside his bed.
He took a bite from one and saw a worm in it; so he threw it out of the tent.
He picked up a second date, took a bite out of it, and found another worm.
He threw that date out of the tent too.
Then he picked up a third date, took a bite out of it, and found another worm.
He threw that one away also.
He was very hungry, and reasoning that he wouldn't have any dates left to eat
if he continued, he blew out the candle and quickly ate the rest of the dates.
Many of us are like that.
We prefer darkness and denial to the light of reality.
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