Response To Gifts You Don’t Like:
Hey! There's a gift.

Well, well, well . . .

Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

Perfect for wearing in the basement.

Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

I love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

I really don't deserve this.

So Far, So Good:
Dear God:
“So far today, I've done alright.
I haven't lost my temper, haven't been grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent.
I'm glad of that, but in a few minutes, God,
I'm going to get out of bed and from there on I'm going to need a lot more help.
Thanking You in advance.
Amen”

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Murphy’s Law:
Nothing is as easy as it looks; everything takes longer than you think;
if anything can go wrong it will.

A day without a crisis is a total loss.

The other line always moves faster.

The chance of the bread falling with the peanut butter and jelly side down is directly
proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Inside every large problem is a series of small problems struggling to get out.

No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it,
it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.

The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.

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More Murphy’s Law:
A day without sunshine is like, night.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous--tomorrow.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

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Monster In The Garage:
A man was driving along a dusty road, when all of a sudden he ran out of gas.
The man walked to the nearest house and asked if he could get some gas.

Just as he went inside the house, it started to pour rain.
The owner of the house said that he could stay the night, 'but if you go into the garage” he said
“there is a monster in there. No matter what you do -- don't touch it!”

The man agreed to this, and went up to the guestroom.
The man was curious, so he went down to the garage, and there -- sure enough was
the monster...it was huge and ugly.

The man thought that he'd see what would happen if he threw something at him.
So he picked up a rock and threw it at the monster --nothing.
The man made a horrible face at him, but..nothing.
The man tried calling him names -- still nothing.

Then, the man reached over and touched the monster.
Up the monster jumped and started chasing the man.
The monster chased the man all over the country side, until the man reached a cliff.

The man thought that he was going to die, so he curled up into a little ball, and waited for the monster.
Just then the monster came up and was right over top of him.

The monster reached down and said, “You're it!”

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Unsuccessful Inventions:
The waterproof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlights

Submarine screen doors

Inflatable dart boards

A dictionary index

Mechanical pencil sharpeners
Powdered water

Waterproof tea bags

The helicopter ejector seat

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Stop Or Slow Down:
A man is driving down the street, and he slows down instead of stopping at the stop sign.
A cop pulls him over and the guy asks what he did wrong.

The cop tells him he slowed down for the stop sign, instead of coming to a complete stop.

The man says, “What's the difference?”

The cop says, “Get out the car, and I will show you.”

The guy gets out and the cop starts beating him with his night stick.

When the cop is done beating the guy, he asks the guy if he wants him to stop or slow down.

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Guard Fired:
Lem: "I got fired from my job as a bank guard."

Clem: "That's awful. What happened?"

Lem: "Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun.
I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it."

Clem: "What did thief do then?"

Lem: "He took one more step so I let him have it.
I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!"

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Genealogical Questions:
Here are questions that have sent in to genealogical publications:

Would it be possible to send copies of my ancestors?

I’ve looked for Grandpa for over 20 years. Do you have him in your library?

I am mailing you my aunt and uncle and three of their children.

We are sending you the five children in a separate envelope.

We are having a hard time finding the records that haven’t been kept.

The critical link in my family tree is named Smith.

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Talk About You:
Did you hear about the famous, egotistic author who said to his friend,
"We have only been talking about me. Let's talk about you.
What did you think of my latest book?"

Difficult English:
No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn:

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert, right after his desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Why do we Drive on a PARKway and Park on a DRIVEway

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Should Know:
"What's your name?" asked the store manager of the young boy who was applying for a job.

"Ford," replied the boy.

"And your first name?

"Henry."

"Henry Ford?" asked the manager with a smile. "That's a pretty well-known name."

The boy looked pleased.
"Yes, sir, it should be," he replied proudly.
"I've been delivering groceries around town for two years now."

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When Speeding:
If you MUST speed on the highway -- sing these hymns loudly:
At 45 mph.... "God Will Take Care of Me"
At 55 mph.... "Guide me, O Great Jehovah"
At 65 mph.... "Nearer My God to Thee"
At 75 mph... "Nearer Still Nearer"
At 85 mph... "This World is not my Home"
At 95 mph.... "Lord, I'm Coming Home"
At 100 mph.... "Precious Memories"

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