Spy Game:
The group of spies was holding a secret meeting, when the group leader called in a man and said,
"I want you to deliver the secret documents to Master Spy X-26.
He is living downtown in an apartment under the name, Gerhardt."

"How will he know that I am a fellow spy," the man said.

"Simple," said the boss. "When he answers the door, you will say the secret code
that is known only to us.

This is the code: 'When the restaurant closes, I'll eat in the streets.'
“When Gerhardt hears this he will recognize you as a fellow spy."

The messenger took the documents and found the building.
Arriving, he noticed on the mailbox there were two Gerhardts living in the building.

He didn't anticipate a problem in getting the right man, however, because of the secret code.
He rang at the first door.
A man answered.

The messenger looked furtively over his shoulder, then whispered quietly,
"When the restaurant closes, I'll eat in the streets."

"No, no!" Protested the man at the door.
"I'm Gerhardt the tailor. You want Gerhardt the spy, who lives upstairs."

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New Diet:
"Wow, you've lost a lot of weight. You look great!"

"I've been on a new diet."

“Really? What can you eat?"

"I can eat absolutely anything I want, any time of the day. I'm just not allowed to swallow it."

Comfortable:
A tailor from New York City is on vacation in Miami when he's struck by a taxi in front of a hotel.
A crowd gathers as the ambulance wails in the distance.
Someone covers the man with a blanket.

A woman leans over and asks, "Are you comfortable?"

The tailor replies, "I make a living."

Cure For It:
A bright farmboy announced to his weathered old Dad,
"I've decided to go to medical school and study anesthesiology."

"I wouldn't, if I were you, boy," a father said. "By the time you graduate, they'll have a cure for it."

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Pretty Concrete:
Two prisoners were sharing their reason for being in prison.
One prisoner asked the other, "What are you in here for?"

"I stole a truckload of cement."

"Did they catch you red-handed?"

"Yeah, the evidence was pretty concrete."

Not In The Tree:
One morning a little boy while waiting for the school bus decided that he would push
the outhouse over the cliff.
This he did, and went off to school as if nothing had happened.
When he returned, his father was waiting for him.
"Son," the father asked, "did you push the outhouse over the cliff?"

"Yes, father," said Harry, "like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie."

His father took called his belt and said, "All right, son, bend over.
I'm going to give you the whipping of your life."

Harry tried to explain that Mr. Washington didn't spank George when he admitted
chopping down the cherry tree.

"Yes, son," said Harry's father, "but George Washinton's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

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Quick Thinking:
A sensitive and rather withdrawn man had the bad luck to be seated next
to a six-foot Texan with wide shoulders and a roaring voice that indicated a vile temper.
After the flight had been in the air for an hour, the Texan dozed off.

The sensitive soul, a charter member of the white-knuckle club, up-chucked his lunch
right onto the Texan's shirt.
Grabbing half a box of Kleenex, the sensitive man started to clean up the mess.

This woke the Texan, who asked, "What in the world is going on here?"

The sensitive man said, as he wiped, "There, there, you'll feel better in a minute!"

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Write That Down:
A draftee was being questioned by an army psychiatrist. "What do you think of the army?"

"I love it," the young man said. "I want to wear the uniform proudly and learn all about being a soldier.
Write that down."

The psychiatrist went on, "Will you be a capable soldier?"

"Sir, give me a gun and I'll show you.
I'll shoot until the gun melts.
If I can't get another weapon,
I'll pick up a stick and go at the enemy with that.
Then I'll go at them barehanded.
I'll bite them if I have to.

Write that down."

The psychiatrist said: "You sound a little crazy."

"Write that down!"

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Some Never Learn:
Jake and Junior like to hunt.Hearing about the big moose up north, they went to the wilds of Canada.
Each bagged a huge moose.
When their pilot landed to take them out, he saw their gear and the two moose.

"I can't fly out of year we view, your gear and both moose," he said.

"Why not?" Asked Jake.

"Because the load will be too heavy. The plane won't be able to take off."

They argued for a few minutes, and then Junior said, "I don't understand.
Last year, each of us had a moose, and the pilot loaded everything."

"Well," said the pilot, "I guess if you did it last year, I can do it, too."

So they loaded the plane.

But, it was too heavy and crashed into the mountainside.
No one was hurt, and as they crawled out of the wreckage, Jake asked, "Where are we?"

Junior surveyed the scene and answered, "Oh, about a mile farther than we got last year."

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Dieter’s Prayer:
A dieter's prayer for the holidays:

"Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
At polyunsaturates, I'll never mutter,
For the road to hell is paid with butter.

And cake is cursed and cream is awful
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop
And Lucifer is a lollipop.

Teach me the evils of hollandaise,
Of pasta and jobs of mayonnaise.
And crisp fried chicken from the South --
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth."

-- Quoted by Stephen A. Pickert, MD

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Martin Luther:
A woman brought an old book into a store specializing in old volumes.
The dealer studied the book and said,
"This is a rare find, a Gutenberg Bible. It's worth a fortune!"

The woman says, "I had two of them, but I threw the other one out.
Some guy, named Martin Luther, had written all over it!"

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