Pastoral Candidates:
The following is a confidential report on several candidates
being considered for a pastorate.

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife.
Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude
in the woods.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert.
Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping,
the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife,
but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting,
and has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator,
even stuttering at times.
Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly.
Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

David: The most promising leader of all
until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.

Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow
while at his former church.

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle
his wife's occupation.

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things,
reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank
of a foreign river.

Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church.
Has trouble with his language.

Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey
by getting swallowed up by a great fish.
He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here.
We hung up.

Amos: Too backward and unpolished.
With some seminary training he might have promise,
but has a hang-up against wealthy people --might fit in better
in a poor congregation.

Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place,
but where does this guy come from?
No information on his resume about former work records.
Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.

John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one.
Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet,
and provokes denominational leaders.

Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse.
Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch.
Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher.
However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers,
harsh and has been known to preach all night.

James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first,
but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers
and seating positions.
Threatened an entire town after an insult.
Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.

Timothy: Too young!

Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!

Jesus: Has had popular times, but once His church grew to 5000
He managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down
to twelve people.
Seldom stays in one place very long.
And, of course, He's single.

Judas: His references are solid.
A steady plodder.
Conservative.
Good connections.
Knows how to handle money.

We're inviting him to preach this Sunday.
Great possibilities here!

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What The Bible Means:
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "Okay, so what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy Daddy, it stands for:
B-asic
I-nformation
B-efore
L-eaving
E-arth

Signs You Do Not Know The Bible
The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ...
and you check the table of contents.
You think Abraham, Isaac and Jacob
may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.

You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.

A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence
in the Psalms of your Bible.
You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed
in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon,
you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"

You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you
to turn to First Condominiums.

And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story:
"Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

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Bible And TV Guide:
They lie on the table, side by side: The Holy Bible and the TV Guide.

One is well worn, but cherished with pride (Not the Bible, but the TV Guide.)
One is used daily to help folks decide. (No! not the Bible; it's the TV Guide.)

As the pages are turned, what shall they see:
Oh, what does it matter?.....turn on the TV.

Then confusion reigns, they can't all agree
on what they shall watch on the old TV.
So,they open the book in which they confide.
(No, not the Bible.....it's the TV Guide.)

The Word of God is seldom read. Maybe a verse e'er they fall into bed.

Exhausted and sleepy and tired as can be... not from reading the Bible
-- but from watching TV.

So then back to the table, side by side, lay the Holy Bible and the TV Guide.

No time for prayer....no time for the Word.
The plan of salvation is seldom heard.

But forgiveness of sin so full and free is found in the Bible...........not on TV.

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Burning Bush:
As a church member walked by his church one day, he noticed that some shrubbery was on fire.
He hurried into the church office and had the secretary call the fire department.
She picked up the phone and identified herself, gave the location and explained the situation.

"You mean to tell me," said the emergency dispatcher, "that there's a burning bush
on your church lawn and you want to put it out?"

We Need Light:
In a country church that was very dark, one of the members stood and said,
"I make a motion that we buy a chandelier."

Another member got up and said, "I'm against it for three reasons.
No one knows how to spell it to order it.
There isn't anyone in the church that can play it.
And the third reason is that we need more light in here."

Attend Church:
"Every time I pass my church I pay a little visit,
So some day when I'm carried in
The Lord won't say, 'Who is it?' "

Baptize Everybody:
William P. Barker tells of a machinist at Ford Motor Company in Detroit who became
a Christian and was baptized.
He became a devout follower of Christ and desired to right his many wrongs.
He had been stealing parts and tools from Ford for many years.

The morning after his conversion, he acted out his public confession of Christ by taking
all of the stolen tools and parts back to his employer.
He explained his situation and recent conversion to his foreman and asked for forgiveness.
This response by an employee was without precedent.

Mr. Ford, who was visiting a European plant, was cabled concerning all the details
of this matter with a request for his response.
Mr. Ford immediately returned a cable with his decision: "Dam all of the Detroit River,
and baptize the entire city."

Baptism is a public proclamation; our lives should be the same.

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Baptized Bats:
Three preachers faced the problems of bats.

The first said that they shot them.

The second said, "We are more compassionate.
We wrapped them in a blanket and took them far away,
but they beat us back to the church."

The third preacher said, "We baptized each one
and made them members of our church, and we haven't seen them since."

Deep And Wide:
It happened at the closing program of Vacation Bible School.
All the children had been brought up front to sing some of the songs they had learned during the week.
As fate would have it, the loudest four-year-old girl was positioned the closest to the microphone.

She belted out the song after song to the pleasure and slight amusement
of the gathered adults until she came to the song, "Deep and Wide."

On that song, her motions were correct, her tone was sincere, but the entire congregation roared
with laughter as they listened to her new lyrics to this old song:
"Deep and wide, deep and wide,
There's a fat man floating deep and wide."

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Bible stories as told by young scholars:
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world,
so He took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife.
This is called monotony.

Source Unknown

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Extermination:
An English vicar, concerned with his congregation's aging and decaying building,
made an announcement just before taking up the morning offering.
He said, "The proceeds from the offering this morning will go toward the alleviation
of the dry rot in the pulpit and the extermination of the worms in the pews."

Atheist Complaint:
An atheist complained to a Christian friend,
"You Christians have your special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter.
Jews celebrate their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur.
But we atheists have no recognized national holidays.
It's unfair discrimination."

His friend replied, "Why don't you celebrate April first?"

Church Didn’t Help:
Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband,
"Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"

"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Smith.

"And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs. Smith,
"Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two."

"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith.  "A lot of good it does you to go to church."

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Jesus Said What:
And Jesus said, "Who do you say I am?"

And they answered: "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground
of our being, the kerygma in which we found the ultimate meaning
of our interpersonal relationship."

And Jesus said, 'What?"

Brother’s Funeral:
Two brothers were the most wicked scoundrels in this small rural village.

Upon the death of one of the brothers, the surviving brother engaged a preacher.
He wanted the preacher to say his brother was a saint.

After much discussion, the preacher agreed and at the end of the funeral made
this statement: "This man, lying here, was a scoundrel,
but compared to his brother he was a saint."

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