Really Long Sermon: A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then!
Indian Unimpressed: An Indian attended a service one Sunday, but was unimpressed. When asked about the preacher's sermon he said, "High wind -- big thunder -- no rain."
Finished Sermon: Having been bored witless by the world's most boring preacher, Jack came out of church before the preacher had finished his sermon. Outside he met a friend who asked, "Has he finished, then?"
He replied, "Oh yes, he's finished, but he won't stop!" . . .
Sermon Like Peace And Mercy: The city judge went to hear the new preacher. The new preacher was shaking hands with people as they left the church.
As the judge came out, the preacher asked, "Well your honor, how did you like the sermon?"
"Oh, it was wonderful," replied the judge. "It was like the peace and mercy of God."
The new preacher was so flattered that he said, "Oh, I scarcely hoped to achieve that level of preaching. How could you make such a comparison."
"Why, very easily," replied the judge. "It was like the peace of God because it passed all understanding, and like His mercy, I thought it would have endured forever."
God Can: Someone once asked Jay Kesler, former president of Youth for Christ International, if he believed that God could make a fish big enough to swallow a man.
As a college president and above average in intelligence, in a world in which we have learned to split the atom and go to the moon and send spaceships to Neptune, did Kesler really think that God could make a fish big enough to swallow a man? I mean really?
Dr. Kesler's reply is one of simple trust in a great God.
He answered, "Let me tell you, I not only believe that He can make such a fish, but the God who made the sun and the moon and the stars, if He wanted to, could air-conditioned and carpet the fish!"
10-inches Deep: A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.
Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.
"Hey" asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."
The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" of the miracles of the Bible.
"That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."
The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap.
The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10-inches of water!"
Looking For Trouble: The new minister had just moved into town. It was late at night when his wife remembered that their dog, very aptly named "Trouble," had not been taken out yet.
Since it was late and most of the neighbors were asleep, she just slipped on her robe, put the dog on a leash, and stepped out the back door. Unfortunately, the leash slipped out of her hand and the dog took off to explore the new territory.
She ran around the house hoping to see which direction he had gone. Just then a police car was passing by and stopped to see if she needed help.
"No, thank you, "she said, "I'm just out of here looking for Trouble."
Hurt The Church: A wise old pastor told how some people get mad at the church and decide they will hurt the church by leaving. He explained that they were wrong in thinking that their leaving would hurt the church. The tree is never hurt when an old dried-up apple falls to the ground.
Phenomenon: This certain country preacher who enjoyed using big words in his sermons. His favorite was the word, phenomenon.
One of his laymen approached him after a sermon in which he had used it often and asked, "Pastor, what does that word phenomenon mean?"
The pastor thought for a moment and then replied, "Well, as you drove your horse and buggy to church this morning, do you remember going by a green pasture surrounded by a white fence?"
"Yes."
"Well," the preacher went on, "that was no phenomenon. And, do you remember that over in the corner of that pasture there was a black cow eating that green grass?"
"Yes."
"Well, that was no phenomenon either. Then, do you recall that in another part of the pasture there was a bluebird sitting on a brown thistle singing a song?"
"Yes," the man said.
"Well," the pastor continued, "that was no phenomenon either.
But, if some Sunday morning on your way to church, you pass that green pasture surrounded by that white fence and you see that black cow sitting on that brown thistle singing like that bluebird -- thats a phenomenon!"
Restart Sermon: After a morning worship service, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told her Pastor how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, If you don't be quiet, the Pastor is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again! It worked."
Momentum: This bulletin misprint emphasized the need to know the difference between momentum and momento: "Our minister is leaving the church this Sunday. Will you please send in a small donation? The congregation wants to give him a little momentum."
Found No God: An astronomer was lecturing a group in France, and declared, "I have swept the universe with my telescope, and I find no God."
A musician appropriately rebuked the astronomer: "Your statement, sir, is as unreasonable as it is for me to say that I have taken my violin apart, have carefully examined each part with a microscope, and have found no music."
Notify The Buzzards: A couple named Mr. and Mrs. James Buzzard took care of the memorial gifts and flowers for their church. One Sunday the bulletin containing this announcement: "If a loved one dies, please notify the Buzzards."
Heat Is Awful: Two men with the same name lived near one another in the same subdivision. One was a pastor; the other was a salesman.
The pastor died, and about the same time, the salesman took a business trip to Florida. When he arrived, he sent a telegram to his wife to let her know he had arrived there safely.
By mistake, the message was delivered to the wife of the deceased pastor. The telegram read: "Arrived safely; heat here awful."
Minister Forgot: A minister passed along to a beginning preacher a trick he used when he saw the congregation nodding a bit. I suddenly say to them, "Last night I held another man's wife in my arms."
When everyone sits up, shocked, I continue, "it was my own dear mother."
The young preacher thought he'd try it. The next Sunday when most members of his congregation were drowsy, he said in a loud voice, "You know, last night I held another man's wife in my arms."
Stunned, the congregation sat bolt upright and stared, where upon the preacher stammered, "Oh, dear -- I've forgotten who she was."
His Crowd: A man had been in search of a good church to attend and dropped into one in which the congregation was reading responsively with the minister.
The congregation droned: "We have left undone those things we ought to have done and we have done those things which we ought not to have done."
The man slithered into a pew, smiled in relief, and said to himself: "Thank goodness, I've found my crowd at last!"
Ecumenical Meeting: During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"
The Methodist gathered in the corner and prayed. The Baptist cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings. The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage. The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass.
The Congregationalist shouted, "Every man for himself!" The Fundamentalist proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out. The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
